Thank you Lord for the strength to get through each day.  Thank you for my son who worries for me and is determined I stick around as long as possible.  Thank you for the grandkids who love me and think I hung the moon.  Thank you for the patience to deal with raising two small children when I thought the hard part was done.  Thank you for helping me get over being angry for being placed in this position.  Thank you for the hope that this too shall pass.  Thank you for the prayers of strangers who wish for our success.  Thank you for reminding me that every day is a blessing.  Thank you for the kisses and hugs of two little girls who are confused about why this happened to them and for the answers to the questions they ask about it.  Thank you for the support of my daughter in law who goes above and beyond just being an aunt to also being a friend.   Thank you for my husband who can take over for a while when I reach the end of my strength.  Please tell my family that I love them and miss them but can’t be there yet cause these little ones still need me.    Oh,  and thank you for coffee…..  you will understand I am sure.  I am blessed.

I am angry.  More angry than I think I have ever been.  I try to be understanding.  I try to make excuses.  Then I get lied to, or attitude like I have done something wrong.  This last week was a clusterfudge. The other grandmother decided to make plans for coming to my house Sunday to have cake and presents for Ayla, when the mother had already made plans for a family party. She also threw in a snide comment about not being allowed to take the girls off my property.  (Like that was my fault.)  I told the woman one party was enough.  So she decided to vent on the girls mother, who in turn whined to me.  So I told them Brandy could not change my decision no matter how much they badgered her.  That the judge gave my husband and I sole discretion.  Well that set them off on how the Indian courts will change that.  They didn’t like hearing that there was an Indian representative at the hearing……. Later in the day, Ayla asked could she call Gran and invite her to the party special.  I dialed the number and put it on speaker phone,  Gran answered.  Ayla called her name twice.  I heard Gran’s boyfriend in the backround and the woman hung up on her!!!   At that point, I informed both parents that that woman and her boyfriend where to have no contact with the girls at all.  They were no longer allowed to come with dad for his scheduled visitation, and if they showed up here, I would have them arrested for trespass.  Ayla cried for almost an hour.  She is 4.  The dad called, and agreed.  What kind of person does that to a child?  I am having such a hard time letting go of my anger.  My neck and back is so tight, I feel bruised from it.

I am still angry at the parents as well.  Every day I learn something I didn’t want to know.  The kids are confused as well.  They love their parents and want to be with them, but they want to be with them here, in my house.  I know they say that they want to stay here forever because they think I want to hear that.  But what if they mean it?  I love my daughter but her drug and alcohol abuse is hurting her kids.  She says she wants her kids back, but I don’t see her doing anything to make that happen.  No job, still drinking, still getting high.  No classes, no anger management nothing……. And no clue what Travis has done.  Except make a child support payment…. one.   Ok, someone needs me.  Another time

So I had a meeting at the school today.  Thinking I pretty much would have to fight to get Jade into 2nd grade next year…..  Not even the half of it.  I was going along, thinking we had gotten her mostly caught up with her reading…  Not even close.  I got her caught up to kindergarten level…. When she began school, the teacher said it was like she had never been in a classroom setting.  She didn’t know how to behave, she still doesn’t have the personal skills needed to make friends with other kids.   With learning math and everything she is right on the money.  Learning with the class, not having problems.  But with reading, wow.  We talked, she and I, and determined she does not want to retake 1st grade.  She said she would be willing to work at least 4 hours a day getting caught up.  All summer. I promised to work just as hard as she does.  Because of course, it would be easier on me if she just did 1st grade again.  But so far, it seems like the adults in her life already did what was easier for them.  I asked about homework and stuff,  she said they just set her at the table in front of the tv  and told her to do it. She reads, I correct her.  I don’t let her watch tv, or fidget, or play around.  And she thanks me.  Not every day, cause sometimes its hard for both of us.  But most days.  How could they (being the parents) let it get here? I was not a great parent where homework was concerned.  But if I was told there was a problem, I was on it.  Or hubby was.

I feel like bringing this up to the parents is like beating a dog while its down.  Or talking to a wall.  One will say it is the school system that failed, the other will agree and blow it off.  Denial abounds.   I feel ashamed that the child I raised would let it get here. And angry that she would not ask for help when it first became an issue.  Because she didn’t get thru kindergarten and half a year of 1st grade without someone noticing…..

Back in February, my daughter calls in the middle of the night(almost midnight).  Can you come get the girls, the police say they cannot stay here.     Huh? What?   Police???   Ok, I gotta get your brother to drive,  my car is in pieces.

So I call my son, he comes for me, we head out.  She calls again.  How long, the police are getting restless.   I am 20 minutes out.  Hang on.  We get there and pull up out front.  No lights in the house, two cop cars with lights off out front.  The cops come down, I tell them I cannot get out of the truck, because it is lifted and I am disabled.  So they tell me there was domestic abuse,alcohol abuse, the house is a sty, no food for the girls, the power is out, animal feces around, and its me or DHS. So I take 2 hungry, dirty children with no clean clothes and lice, first to Mcdonalds for some food, then home to sleep.

I find I am still in shock, several months later.  I did not raise my daughter to allow this.  Alcohol was always something to worry about because of family history.  There is anger in me.  That “the parents” would subject the babies to this.  That they found enough money to buy cigarettes and booze, but not food for the girls.  That I let the father keep me from going into the home for years.  That my daughter flat out lied to me.  That I didn’t know.  Why didn’t I know?  The kids came to visit once a week for years.  And I didn’t know.  They were Manic and Starving when they were here, and I chalked it up to good food, candy and being excited to see us.  Why didn’t I know?

Last month, on advice from DHS, we filed for guardianship, and now make the decisions for the girls.  They are much calmer, happier, full.  They laugh, they follow the rules, they do chores, are lice free, clean and no longer always hungry.  We are working hard to get school work caught up.

And I am still angry.  Neither of the parents ask how they are doing.  They don’t ask me anything.  Like about the problems we have had getting school and bus stuff corrected.  About needing glasses.  About health issues.  About the weekly DHS visits I have had to put up with.  About the shrink coming to my house for the girls or why they need one.  Just, when can I come play from the dad and squat from the mom.  I think if I ever let go of my anger, I would go to jail…….  So I just do the best I can for them.  And to hell with the rest of it…. for now.

I have been holding my thoughts and opinions on a lot of things very close to the vest these days.  I am to the point that I must say something.  I don’t require your agreement, or approval of this.  Its mine and I am allowed to think this way.

Caitlyn Jenner.  What did you do that was so brave?  Nothing.  You made a choice to become a woman.  So what. I made the choice to get up today.  Your choice doesn’t effect me in any way so I don’t care.  I don’t think it was Brave.  The men and women standing post on foreign soil are brave.  The scientists who put themselves on the line every day to find cures for the old new illnesses are brave.  What you did, a surgical procedure, you did to make yourself happy.  Good for you.  Still not brave.

Mr. President.  Why do you hate us?  Why couldn’t you be who you promised you would be 8 years ago?  We used to be a nation to be proud of.  Now its not all your fault, but damn boy, you are in charge and should have worked more on cleaning it up, then on half the stuff you did.  We are not a better country because of you.  And please don’t ask me about Mrs. O.  My momma would wash my mouth out if I said anything…..

The police…..  Have you ever been a member of a group of people more feared or hated by the public?  But who does your ass call when you need help?  Not your uncle, or cousin Willy, you call a cop.  So stop being shitty to the men and women who offer to protect you.  When they stop coming, you have no one to blame but yourselves.  And for the families of the criminals who got shot….. I am sorry for your loss, but most of you knew and accepted they were breaking the law, what the hell did you expect?  Who was watching when they started breaking the law?  When they were taking things belonging to others?  Hurting people for their shit?  Not the cops fault.  Grow up, accept responsibility for your behavior, and accept the consequences of said behavior.  Duh…

Rioters,  Stupid much?  Destruction costs money.  Prices in your town go up,  You are hurting your neighbors and friends.  Not the cops, not the people you are mad at.  Just yourselves.  And you expect to earn respect?  The world looks at your actions and says, damn, how stupid can one get?

People figure it out.  You are behaving like a 3 yr old having a tantrum.  You are entitled to what you work for, nothing else.  Earn your way, give back, find God, Or not.  But don’t blame others for your choices, and stop expecting the world to give you a free ride.   Good luck out there

I am apparently being effected by both my diabetes and pre menopause.  I am having viscous, wicked mood swings.  I am angry a lot.  And my kids make me cry a lot.  I feel like I have lost all control over things that used to be so easy.  I don’t know me anymore.  And I am becoming more and more isolated.  I don’t really have any friends close.  No one I can call and say lets go have a cup of coffee, or do lunch.  Used to be my sister, but she has left  me behind with her interest and hard work in her dog rescue.  I don’t want to resent it, but if I am honest, sometimes I do.  I mean, I am glad she has something, and that the work she does makes her happy.  But we used to talk every day, and now its maybe twice or three times a month.  We used to do lunch twice a month,  I can’t remember when we shared a meal.  I love my son, but he has his wife and son taking all his time when his job is not. My daughter lives way across town, and if I want to plan with her, I have to pick her up, pay and have her home early. And that gets old.  Hubby can’t get off his computer long enough to do much of anything at all.  I can’t even just take myself for a walk because of my size, knees, and lack of balance. (and things that just make it really hard)  I am on day 4 of a migraine, my sugar is out of whack, and my emotions are all over the place.

Doesn’t help that I have been thinking about death a lot.  People my size don’t have a long lifespan.  Maybe 20 more years, but probably less.  And it scares me.  Some days I want to find a sound proof room and just scream until I run out of sound. It’s not fair,  its not right.  How did everything get so out of control?  How do I fix it?  When will it stop?  There is the question.

I have been reading on Facebook about a lady who was preparing for her baby to die.  She was strong, she had love and faith that things would be ok.  She gave birth, and he died.  It has been heart rending, soul touching journey.  She is burying him today.  And she has faith.  Faith that she will have more children.  Faith that God loves her.  Faith that the pain she is going thru will end.  It amazes me, and makes me feel unworthy at the same time.  She shares everything she is going thru, both the good and the bad.  The pain and the joys.  How can she do that?  How can a person be so open?  I have secrets upon secrets, feelings that I dare not share with anyone, and she puts it all out there.  I will probably keep following her for a while, see if I can figure it out.

For now,  I am going to go lay back down.  My head is killing me.

It is so hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes.  When they make decisions about my grandkids that I think are wrong. Buying every toy under the sun for a baby not yet 2, giving said baby a toy gun, allowing certain behaviors because it’s hard to be consistent.   I just get, I don’t know, upset, because they don’t do things the way I think they need to be done.  I want to like the people the babies grow up to be. Spoiled rotten brats aren’t easy to like.

My cousins wife delivered a preemie (3 months) day before yesterday.  The little girl is 2 lbs.  Pictures show her on oxygen, and with a heart moniter, but not a lot of other support that we could see. She is, it seems, fully formed, just very little.  I don’t have a lot more details, but hope it all comes out right for them.

My other cousins mother (my aunt) has been admitted.  Her cancer metastasized to her brain.  They are giving her a month.  I remember her from when I was the only kid, years and years ago.  I would brush her hair, and she would brush mine.  She gave out lots and lots of hugs before she had babies of her own.  Time and distance changes things.  I don’t know her now, but I remember and I love that woman.  I hope her family is ok.

My father in law has been dealing with heart issues for years now.  And from what I am hearing, he is looking at just a couple months himself.  Hubby is in denial, or something.  I would think he would go see him but he hasn’t even called to validate it.  I don’t know what to do for him, just be here I guess.

Getting old sucks.

So yesterday was the first big storm of the season. The kids and grandkids were here, thankfully. The tornado hit across town, close to Brandy’s house. Her hubby was home with the dogs and took shelter in the storm cellar. It missed their house. But not by that much. Wiped out a mobile home park and a school. One man from the park died. Several more from all over were injured, most not seriously. And Moore got hit again. Pretty much along the same track as in 2013. They probably shouldn’t build there. But they will. It’s what we here in Oklahoma do. Rebuild, year after year.

Anyway. I am having a hard time getting and staying motivated to do any physical activity. For about 2 months, I was riding my recumbent exercise bike, but I seem to have quit that. Not sure why. I also did a lot of downsizing, but I didn’t finish, and I seem to have quit that too. I am dealing with the winter blues. And not well. LOL. I might have to get back on some sort of anti depressant. I am reading again tho. I haven’t done that in a while. I even got to talk via twitter to a couple of my favorite authors. One was actually very kind. Not a pat answer but one for my particular question to her story line. It was cool. Larrisa Ione. I like her stories.

The weather has warmed up quickly from winter. Grass is really green, trees are budding and flowers popping up everywhere. I wish I was more interested in being out in it. And I am drinking a bit more than I have ever before. I don’t know if I should be worried or not. I am not drinking for the drunk or anything. And usually its not more than one drink. But still, its several times a month as opposed to several times a year……..But I don’t have kids at home, and I spend a lot of time alone. That is what makes me feel weird, that I am drinking alone. Ugh. listen to me whine. See, winter blues…. I should be over this in a week or two.

20 years ago, I started reading a series of books by Diana Gabaldon starting with Outlander. I was impressed enough to purchase all of them in hardcover over the next two decades. Every time I get a new one, I re read the whole series. Well, this summer, they made a tv series of it. 16 episodes per book, I believe. I was so excited I ordered Starz, just to watch it. And for the first 8 shows, while I don’t think he is totally the Jamie of my own imagination, the actor playing the lead male has done a good job. And here I am, at 51, LUSTING after this 34 year old young man, like a teenager. Even my husband, who usually just watches my weirdness, has commented on it. I dream of this guy. I go to sleep humming the theme to the series, and wake up the same way. I feel totally ridiculous, and it scares me a little. Now they are on a mid season hiatus, and I find myself a little more withdrawn from the feelings. I have joined a couple of groups on facebook and twitter, to keep up with information about filming and when it shows again and find I am getting disgusted with the silliness of all those “groupies”. And I really hate the possibility that I am one.

Beyond that, the characters of my imagination are not really close to the characters now on the show. Up until the wedding episode, it went the way I expected. The last one before the break, my Jamie was more, well, manly, in the face of the redcoat attack. He would not carry Claire away, and then abandon her immediately after. I understand time restraints of filming, but surely there are ways to make it seem time passed without loosing so much of the story. And my Claire might scream, but not for help. Pain, rage, fear, yes, Help me help me, not a chance.

I think I will still be watching when it comes back in April, but maybe with less enthusiasm as I had in the beginning. I love the books and the author hasn’t lost a fan, I will continue to wait with bated breath for each new addition to the series. I just won’t be pulled into the show like I was in the beginning. Easy enough to wait for April.