Think I need meds.

I am apparently being effected by both my diabetes and pre menopause.  I am having viscous, wicked mood swings.  I am angry a lot.  And my kids make me cry a lot.  I feel like I have lost all control over things that used to be so easy.  I don’t know me anymore.  And I am becoming more and more isolated.  I don’t really have any friends close.  No one I can call and say lets go have a cup of coffee, or do lunch.  Used to be my sister, but she has left  me behind with her interest and hard work in her dog rescue.  I don’t want to resent it, but if I am honest, sometimes I do.  I mean, I am glad she has something, and that the work she does makes her happy.  But we used to talk every day, and now its maybe twice or three times a month.  We used to do lunch twice a month,  I can’t remember when we shared a meal.  I love my son, but he has his wife and son taking all his time when his job is not. My daughter lives way across town, and if I want to plan with her, I have to pick her up, pay and have her home early. And that gets old.  Hubby can’t get off his computer long enough to do much of anything at all.  I can’t even just take myself for a walk because of my size, knees, and lack of balance. (and things that just make it really hard)  I am on day 4 of a migraine, my sugar is out of whack, and my emotions are all over the place.

Doesn’t help that I have been thinking about death a lot.  People my size don’t have a long lifespan.  Maybe 20 more years, but probably less.  And it scares me.  Some days I want to find a sound proof room and just scream until I run out of sound. It’s not fair,  its not right.  How did everything get so out of control?  How do I fix it?  When will it stop?  There is the question.

I have been reading on Facebook about a lady who was preparing for her baby to die.  She was strong, she had love and faith that things would be ok.  She gave birth, and he died.  It has been heart rending, soul touching journey.  She is burying him today.  And she has faith.  Faith that she will have more children.  Faith that God loves her.  Faith that the pain she is going thru will end.  It amazes me, and makes me feel unworthy at the same time.  She shares everything she is going thru, both the good and the bad.  The pain and the joys.  How can she do that?  How can a person be so open?  I have secrets upon secrets, feelings that I dare not share with anyone, and she puts it all out there.  I will probably keep following her for a while, see if I can figure it out.

For now,  I am going to go lay back down.  My head is killing me.